I'm listening to the Killers and before that a countless number of songs I love on a day that feels like shit. It isn't any different than the day before and I'd bet the money in my bank it won't be any different than tomorrow, but when you spend 12 hours in a dead end job with only your thoughts and some drama you get to thinking about a lot of depressing topics, one of which is:
How I Wish to Believe in the American Dream
The Killers - "Smile Like You Mean It" is a great example of the American way-of-life. You are given a small fraction of tools (i.e. education, morals, ideals, etc.) to build your life without an inkling of how to use them or why. Growing up I had parents that didn't give two shits about their kids, maybe a half a shit, and we were left to figure out life on our own. I grew to understand that hate keeps you logical and coldness keeps you from sane. I became severly anti-social and never knew ANY luxuries of "growing up". Now I sit, like many Americans, and go through the motions set before us by society and I smile. I don't even want to. I can't help it. It just happens. I mean, I am a pretty big pussy. I would LOVE to talk some shit and kick some ass, but I more than likely will just keep my distance from anything that could even put me in some situation like that. So I smile cause I don't wanna start trouble. Another part might be that thing inside me that says 'You are better than this. Prove it' so it forces me to smile and hopefully make others smile and the payoff is supposed to be the fact that those other people see that I can make the most of what I'm given. But I know they don't think that. I'm a Pisces and hardcore at that. I'm a deep space dreamer that knows no limit. Delusion is probably the only thing keeping me from suicide (well besides an absolute abhorance for taking the easy way out and a little bit of fear for eternity in hell)
I'm trying to make something of myself. I took a self-help screen writing course. I'm almost most done with my first script (rough draft only). I try to work out when I have the time and energy but I weighed myself today and saw a whopping 203. I didn't even realize. Just another log on the sad existence of life. I'm not gonna quit though cause if I do, I'll have commited living suicide.
